July 8th, 2020

Dear Diary, I would address the other people, but in all honesty I don't think more than 2 people read this. I must warn, I have not felt so good. Maybe this will be a common thing in my diary, as long as quaratine is, as long as I am alive. See when I get like this, I call it mental illness, as others do. But everytime I am like this, and even at the back of my mind when I am sane, I wonder are my thoughts really wrong? I think people are selfish creatures. We all like to pretend that we are social beings that care, but I currently dont believe so. See major current example right now is the BLM movement. Oh, everyone was advocating a month ago. Reposting, and whatever. Take a look now. It is rather quiet. There still are some people who post, who make an effort but for the most part less people care. They wont tell you this, as most are selfish. They want to be seen at smart, and woke, despite being filled with shit. That is the problem. That is why we cannot move on. That is why we do this every 5 or 10 years.

On a more personal example, that has driven me crazy since high school, my "friends". Now I have very very very few good close friends that I am honest with. That I love. The rest of them, I have tried to love. I will give my kidney to anyone. I care about them. I think that is my problem, I care too much when no one could give a fuck about me. Now I do not want to sound like one of those lying self-righteous people, who constantly act like they care. For the most part, I would believe I care about people. Others people pains have such a toll on me, to the point it triggers these breakdowns, if you call them that. Whenever I have asked for help back, people only do it when it benefits them. That is why I hardly tell anyone about how I feel. They develop a hero complex and then that relationship ends up being built on. A victim and a hero. I am sick of this. I want only want friendships that are teams. That is just so fucking hard to find. Geniunity is a rare gift. I wonder what it would be like if I was ever successful of ending my life. I would want to see this as if it was that Charles Dickens Classic, A Christmas Carol. My prediction is my faker friends would fake being upset, or be upset for the wrong reasons. All my admirers would shrivel, despite them only knowing the idealized and sexualized version of me. My family would be devasted. My sister would be a huge mess, along with my mom and my dad. I do not know what my brothers reaction would be. He fake cried when our cat died. My few close friends would be hurt, for real, I know that. I believe most people would overvalue my life. Make up memories that really meant nothing, just so they feel important. Just so they can say they experienced loss. I wish I knew why people did that. God I am in pain.

June 23rd, 2020

Shit's been better lmao! I hung out with a guy who likes me, a lot. He is such a nice guy, and I love him (as a friend). Only thing is, I realised after we kissed a few times that I am a lesbian. Specifically a homoromantic bisexual, but it's way easier to just say lesbian. I feel bad because I lead him on. I really thought that I was biromantic. I have been in relationships with guys, my longest one being a year. I dated egotistical jerks, so of course I didn't want to be with them. Little did I know that another factor was that I am gaygay. I feel bad that it took a really good guy to realise that. He sent me juicewrld lyrics after I told him. I am starting to feel better now, he still wants to be my friend! We gonna celebrate his 19th birthday! I gotta finish his gift.

In other news, I am feeling an overwhelming creative surge. I wanna make two short films (one about sexual abuse and one about a zombie/alien apocolyspe). I also want to write a song but I don't know how to use ableton. So if any of you have tips, I am desperate to learn!!

June 1st, 2020

Shit's been hard. Way too fucking hard. Why is simply living so difficult. Getting up, eating, sleeping and everything inbetween. I don't know how common people do it. I need to clean up, everything. My room, my dishes, my mind. I've fallen back on smoking. It's horrible but it's easy. It's easier than feeling my heart strings vibrate everything I get uneasy. God I feel so alone. Is there anybody out there. Is there anyone who actually cares? I ask myself this constantly. I like to think I have my friends but it seems like they are so out of touch. I wish I could at least care for myself. I decided to try the single life. Not the sad single life where I'm yearning for companionship, but one where I love myself. How do you do that? I personally am so fixated on the negativity. Not just on my own self but the world around me. It is such a firey hell right now. The issue of sexual mistreatment of women, the mistreatment of the LGBT, the mistreatment of the mentally ill and as everyone has been finally discussing, the mistreatment of race. Black people.

I wanted to do something in Ontario. Create a movement that demands change in the education system. Canadians don't know there own true history. I had a group get together but it seems like I am the only one researching and speaking. I know they all want to help but it seems like they aren't seeing eye to eye with me. Even the professor I messaged did not understand. I asked for direction in getting information on indigenous issues and Canada and his wife just sent me a link to a doc about American issues that everyone has seen on instagram. Don't get me wrong that information is very important too but It's not what is needed in addressing the issues I want. It's hard. This is such a complex topic, with so many layers and opinions. My friend said she didn't want to talk to white people. My hispanic friend who was I recently invited to join added a bunch of white people. I think having people is very important, but the lens and voices of just the white is not how we go forward. I think that is another reason why I'm struggling with this. I am white. All I can provide is white perspective which is not needed as we heard it a hundred times. Others need the space to talk, especially in the movement of equality of black people and indigenous people.

With my own demons and the world around me, it feels impossible. At the bare minimum I want to feel normal, even content. I deleted instagram. Maybe that is what I need, at least until I get my shit together. At least until I can get some sleep and work on being confrontional to my roommate. I found the reciepts and he owes me 40 dollars. I'm too anxious. Maybe that is the real problem. My lack of confidence and mild nervous breakdowns.

May 23rd, 2020

I keep forgetting to update this diary haha! oops... It's the one thing in my life that should be easy to stay on top of... I guess I'm just destined to a life of procrastination? Well the brief rundown is as quarantine went on my habitual habits and lifestyle when down the drain. I have eaten so many cadbury creme eggs I could shit a diabetic omelette. I moved out of my parents house and am now living the sweet life of indepence. I just wish that I could use all the time and freedom the world gave me to finish a project like my book, a video for my youtube or a screenplay. I only finished one painting and it is decent, only in the dark that is. Aside from fighting my own demons, I have one roommate that is driving me up the wall. He tried scamming me for money by throwing out the grocery receipts and telling me I owe him money, when in turn I know that I have contributed more, on top of that I pay most rent. Lesson: Don't share groceries. My other roommate, Scott has been great. Lesson: Move in with people you can confide in if you want what's left of your sanity.

April 5th, 2020

I was going through my photography to see what to post on my cyber hideout when I found a bunch of images taken by some old peers. These people I used to connect with, we were working on an e-magazine. However, they would flood the groupchat with stupid things, like what drugs they were trying and music they were "finishing". I ended up muting the chat. Later I was kicked out because I missed some chats. They deemed me "irresponsisble", despite that I wrote 2 articles, pending to be reviewed by our editor. I was really bummed about being kicked out, but in the end I'm thankful. No one owns me, I own myself. No management controls what I do. Maybe one day I can go far with whatever I do... I hope so...